Establish a Space for Cooperation

• Avoid arguments: you can only lose.
  • Most arguments end with each contestant more certain of their opinions and less willing to change them.
  • Even if you win, you hurt the pride of the loser and the loser may resent you for it.
    “If you argue, rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory, because you will never get your opponent’s good will.” – Ben Franklin
  • A Guide to avoiding arguments:

    1. Welcome disagreements. .
    2. Stay calm.
    3. Listen first. Hear others out.
    4. Identify areas of agreement.
    5. Admit your errors to make it easier for others to admit theirs.
    6. If no there is resolution to be found, delay action and promise to explore the alternative perspective further.

• Begin in a friendly way.
  • Opening conversations with sincere praise, appreciation and/or sympathy will disarm your conversation partner.
  • Beginning with a friendly tone will free the others to be more open minded.
  • Example: One fellow who couldn’t afford his rent increase invited his landlord over for the closing inspection. The tenant complimented the landlord on the building’s location, good management and gave the landlord a sympathetic ear for his problems with other tenants. After only casually mentioning he couldn’t afford the increased rent, the landlord reduced the rent without having been asked directly.

• Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
  • Especially when angry, allow others to finish talking themselves out.
  • Don’t interrupt. Others won’t pay attention to you until they’ve had thier own say.

• Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
  • Most people hunger for sympathy.
  • Sympathize truthfully: “If I were you, I’d feel the same way under your circumstances.” Follow up statements might be:
    • “How could they do that to you?”
    • “You poor thing.”
    • “After you sacrificed so much.”
  • Example: A hotel had to inconvenience their guests as the escalator repaired for 8 hours. In order to get the hotel manager to consent to the repairs, the repair company reclassified their work as preventative maintenance that would prevent a eventual two week shut down in the future.

• Respect others’ opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
  • People don’t like to admit even to themselves that may be wrong, but when handled gentlely they can overcome that hesitancy.
  • Telling others they are wrong:
    • may be considered a putdown to their intelligence.
    • often pushes them to defend and further embrace their positions.
  • Body language can also communicate "you’re wrong."
  • Don’t immediately assume you’re right. Demonstrating your willingness to rationally examine the facts will inspire others to do likewise.

• If you are wrong, admit it quickly and dramatically.
  • If another is about to criticize you, don’t let them start!
    • People often enjoy criticizing others to promote their own righteousness. Once started, the other party may expand their critique to include unrelated subject areas.
    • The negative emotions may be long remembered and could damage relationships in the long-term.
  • A harsh self-rebuke may prompt the other party to soften their critique; however, too many exaggerated, harsh self-rebukes will lead the other to question your sincerity.
  • Admitting your errors clears guilt and frees everyone to move toward solutions more quickly.

• Try to honestly see things from the other person's point of view.
  • Understanding another’s point of view and motivation is the key to understanding their decisions and personality.
  • Ask yourself:
    • Why would someone want to do as I ask?
    • Is there some point of information we are interpreting differently?
  • Example: A group of boy scouts may ignore a no camp fires rule, believing that they can responsibly construct and put out a camp fire safely. A park ranger could demand the group adhere to the rules, but would get better results by acknowledging the scouts’ point of view. He could point out that while the scouts know what they’re doing, other groups are not as careful. The scouts’ fires could lead irresponsible people to start fires as well.

• Frame requests in terms of what others find motivating.
  • Before attempting to drive someone to action, ask yourself, “How do I make this person want to do it?”
    “If there is any one secret to success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as your own.” – Henry Ford
  • Example: Rather than force his young son to go to kindergarten, one man’s family began engaging in kindergarten activities – finger painting, etc. – while excluding the young child. After seeing all the exciting things he would be doing in kindergarten, the child was eager to go.
  • Example: In the following letter, a freight company details their difficulties, while disregarding the inconvenience their changes might cause their customers. After having the reverse effect from what was intended, a second letter was sent, which spoke in terms of what were the customers’ best interests